EagleyedNinja Posted August 8, 2013 Report Share Posted August 8, 2013 Hey guys Lance here with another post. Anyway i'm making this post to discuss this fanfiction I wanna write. So, Vance is a ninja who has a terrible life. He's being chased by the Six Paths. The Six Paths is a criminal organization of 8 Rinnegan users that reign supreme over all other organizations. In addition to being chased by The Six Paths he's also getting chased by a missing nin group called the Elementals. To top it all of Vance has no family, is socially awkward, and gets betrayed by his best friend. But, despite his cruel life Vance remains cocky and optimistic. With an above average understanding ninjutsu, genjutsu, and taijutsu Vance makes his way through life. Edit: Guys there's a special reason why there are 8 members in the Six Paths. Feel free to post ideas and comment feedback. B) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kimi Posted August 8, 2013 Report Share Posted August 8, 2013 Why are they chasing him? and its called the six paths and there's 8 of them apart from that seems interesting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EagleyedNinja Posted August 8, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 8, 2013 Why are they chasing him? and its called the six paths and there's 8 of them apart from that seems interesting Well there's a special reason there's eight of them and why they are chasing him will be revealed during the chunnin exams. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pain 2 Posted August 8, 2013 Report Share Posted August 8, 2013 six path of pain where was 6 not 8 :| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jahmah Posted August 8, 2013 Report Share Posted August 8, 2013 Story doesnt have enough substance, I got nothin from that summary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midvalley_Sensei Posted August 11, 2013 Report Share Posted August 11, 2013 What's with the English name? It'd probably be Bansu or something instead of Vance in the Japanese-esque setting . Also, the character could use a weak point in order to add more of a "goal" element to the story, and to make his challenge more suspenseful just as an adventure story. Since he's good at nin, tai, and genjutsu, his fighting style leaves little to aspire to besides improving what he's already good at. Social awkwardness could be a challenge to overcome, but that seems kind of cancelled out by his cocky optimism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unanimus Posted August 11, 2013 Report Share Posted August 11, 2013 I've seen better. I'll leave it to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EagleyedNinja Posted August 11, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2013 What's with the English name? It'd probably be Bansu or something instead of Vance in the Japanese-esque setting . Also, the character could use a weak point in order to add more of a "goal" element to the story, and to make his challenge more suspenseful just as an adventure story. Since he's good at nin, tai, and genjutsu, his fighting style leaves little to aspire to besides improving what he's already good at. Social awkwardness could be a challenge to overcome, but that seems kind of cancelled out by his cocky optimism.This is some really good feedback. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oku Posted August 11, 2013 Report Share Posted August 11, 2013 Ehhh, not very original. Also, this isn't really a fan fic, more like a background. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EagleyedNinja Posted August 11, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2013 Ehhh, not very original. Also, this isn't really a fan fic, more like a background. uh the whole first chapter's on fanfiction.net and this is just a background Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oku Posted August 11, 2013 Report Share Posted August 11, 2013 uh the whole first chapter's on fanfiction.net and this is just a backgroundLink? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sipher Posted August 12, 2013 Report Share Posted August 12, 2013 That was really awful. You can sum it up with the following sentence. A guy gets chased by people for no reason and has a crappy life, but keeps his chin up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EagleyedNinja Posted August 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 12, 2013 That was really awful. You can sum it up with the following sentence. A guy gets chased by people for no reason and has a crappy life, but keeps his chin up.You know for some reason i'm not even mad and I like your reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sipher Posted August 12, 2013 Report Share Posted August 12, 2013 Likewise, I respect someone who can take blunt opinions without throwing a hissy fit, so I'm willing to help you out. Don't start with "This Vance fellow has a terrible life", get rid of it because it spoils almost the entire thing. In the end you want people to sum it up for themselves "Wow, Vance's life sucks" rather than flat out saying it in the story. He's being chased by the Six Paths, that's fine, but why? Nobody chases people without a motive. Before you want to say people are chasing someone, you want to start with what makes Vance unique. There's obviously something about Vance that the Six Paths don't have, and want from him. What's driving them to chase him? Motive is one thing, application is another. Ok guys, so we caught Vance because he.....something...now what are we going to do with that something? Vance is getting chased by a SECOND group. Clearly there is something about him that makes this second group want him. Could it be the same reason the first group is chasing him, or something entirely different? What about the relation between the two groups? So Vance has no family, is a social-retard, and his best friend betrays him. Does he have no family because of this unique trait that apparently everyone is after? Is his social-retardism a side effect of the unique trait? Why is him being a social-retard relevant at all? Does his friend betray him to one of the groups? Or does his friend have his own motives and pulls an M Night Shamalamadingdong, revealing those motives? Everyone was after Vance because of his ability to keep moving on in the face of adversity. Everyone around him had given up on themselves and the rest of the world. They forgot a long time ago what it was like to be truly human, and all felt dead inside because of it. Resorting to murder, stealing, lying, and cheating from day to day to get by; but not Vance, they were jealous of that. They were greedy, they wanted that feeling back, they wanted it from the only person they knew possessed that quality, they wanted Vance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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